Handcuffs -Fit to be Tied? – review

Title: Handcuffs
Authors: Jodi Payne and Chris Owen, James Buchanan, Lorne Rodman
Genre: PWPs
URL: Torquere Press
Other Information/warnings: The third story in the collection contains brother/brother incest.
Summary: A collection of short shorts published by Torquere Press around the theme of handcuffs. Pure porn.
Imagine getting home with a new porn DVD. You stick it in the machine and onto the screen trot a couple of bodies who proceed to shag each other silly. At the end, you pick up the box to read the blurb and are amazed to discover that these bodies actually had names and were supposed to be distinguishable from each other. What you have in Rachet (Jodi Payne and Chris Owen) is effectively this scenario in the written form.

The main characters, Tobias and Noah, are ciphers. They have no distinguishing features, no substance as individuals, no distinction, except through their sexual relationship with each other. Tobias is a Dom and thus his thoughts are consumed by needing to be in control. And although sub!Noah’s POV remains unvisited directly, I’m sure there isn’t a thought in his pretty little head that doesn’t pertain to giving Tobias exactly what he wants. Even casting Noah as a police officer comes over as little more than a thin ruse to get handcuffs into the picture.

But it’s porn! I hear you argue. Porn doesn’t have to have a story, or characters! And you’d be right – up to a point. I’m certainly not arguing that every piece of jerk-off writing should be War and Peace, or even Harry Potter, but it should at least have something to recommend it. Most porn movies at least have decent scenery; six packs and tight buns you can ogle as you boggle at the lack of acting ability. Unfortunately Rachet fails to deliver on this front as well. I couldn’t tell you what either of these men look like (they could be 4′3 with blue and yellow spots for all I know) and they move like poseable action figures…

Right up to the point when they start shagging. Then the story/scene takes on some life and the type of visuals that make you reread and start painting pretty pictures in your head. Obviously there is something about tab A being inserted into slot B that frees up these writers’ imaginations and lets them really express themselves.

In my opinion, they should have scrapped the first eight pages and started with Tobias having Noah over the arm of the couch. It would given them more space for more scorching sex and we would have been spared the sort of build-up that makes even porn directors weep into their Wheaties.

And thus onto story two – Technique by James Buchanan. This time our cop, Brandon, is of the undercover variety and our protagonist, Nick, is a bit of a rope enthusiast. The two of them are considering an evening of half-hitches and reef knots, until rope-boy gets tied up baby-sitting thus rendering the quickie their only option. The handcuffs – beautifully fetishised in and of themselves, btw – are simply the icing on the cake; adding a bit of a zing to the meat and potatoes of vanilla sex – as Nick puts it.

But, oh dear. Ironically, whereas it was the visuals that let the first piece down, it’s the technical side that undermines this one. The scenery really isn’t bad, and the characters have some character, even if their dialogue does fail to make sense in places. But honestly, someone needs to take this author aside and have a little chat about point of view and the use of epithets. It might be my alter-ego, Ms Beta, talking, but if there’s one thing that throws me out of a story faster than anything else, it’s clunky writing. I spent almost the entire time I was reading it, wanting to cover this piece in red pen and then send it back with a note on the bottom that said, ‘Could do better.’

In short, I found this piece so frustrating because, without the technical errors, it could have been good. But as it stands, it made me more inclined to reach for the correction fluid than the lube.

Story three. The Dare by Lorne Rodman

Having winced and flinched over the first two stories, this one made me want to weep. I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I find ‘honey’ and ’sweetie’ gag-making petnames at the best of times, entirely unbelievable from anyone except Graham Norton clones and ‘Actors,’ and those simply aren’t the types to get my motor running, thus the author was probably on a hiding to nothing from the beginning with me. In fact I found the characters so unappealing that I effectively skimmed the story, periodically bouncing off a quantity of giggling, wriggling and blushing more commonly found at a pre-teen sleepover, than with three adult men shagging in a motel room.

The handcuffs are a throwaway, a means of keeping one member of the trio away from the other two and presumably reducing the number of limbs for the poor confused author. And as far as the other ‘kink’ is concerned, I find myself at a loss to understand it. When I was given this book to review, I was warned that the third story contained brother/brother incest and so, if that ’squicked’ me, I shouldn’t read. It doesn’t, so I did. But the blood relationship between two of the characters wasn’t even mentioned until two thirds of the way through the story, and only then as a single comment. It felt pointless, and didn’t add to the story in any way shape or form. For goodness’ sake, if you’re going to include a kink of that type, have the courage of your convictions and go for it. Make it a kink, not an apology for a slightly off-colour thought.

Okay, having ripped these three stories apart, I do feel that I need to say something about mileage varying and beauty being in the eye of the beholder. These stories are, with no bones about it, pure porn. They make no claims about being great literature and offer nothing in the way of plot or character development. They are jerk-off tales, stories to take to bed and enjoy, and for some they may ring that bell and hit a more harmonious note than they managed in me.

But then I am not familiar with these characters, and in fact didn’t realise that they were familiar characters until I read the announcement on this board.

Torquere have dropped the ball badly here by not making that explicit on the book itself. This is not, IMO, a standalone work.

However even if you don’t know them, at $2.49, if you have the money to spare and are willing to take the risk, then give it a whirl. You might actually find something in them to enjoy and if nothing else, you can go away with the rather tasty image of generic Tobias shagging generic Noah over the couch arm…. Or was that Noah shagging Tobias….?